review, Glutino Toaster Pastry & Glutino Rosemary Olive Oil

Glutino Apple Cinnamon Toaster PastryI seem to recall down-voting another Glutino product … they are HIT AND MISS, let me tell ya. In other words, they make some things I love. Love too much. -that means you rosemary olive oil crisps*

As with everything, taste is subjective, but these ‘toaster pastries’ are horrible.


I saw it advertised (in a sidebar of a webpage) and reminded me that I have the remainder of a box sitting in a pantry, waiting for when I’m desperate enough to try to doctor it up with oil and maple syrup (fat and sugar).

Let’s do a recap on gluten-free faux foods: They aren’t health foods. They are UNhealthy. If it’s processed and comes in a package, it ain’t food, let alone health food!

Food spoils in a day or three and its ingredients include only itself, ie: tomato includes tomato, calves liver includes liver, etc.

I don't know any of her songs but I love that she causes so much trouble!

I don’t know any of her songs but I love that she causes so much trouble! Did you catch that? Pop Tart?

Let’s begin: 5 to a box. Regular price 8USD but I got mine for 5USD (therefore 1/ea) fully-knowing that it wasn’t gonna be a Pop Tart.

I toasted it in a toaster oven, which in my old lady experience is the best to reheat anything — or make toast. I gave it its best chance.

The pastry is hard and crumbly but not in the crumble-crumbly happy Pop Tart or … Crumble way. Obviously, there’s no ‘dough’ taste. It’s sort of a pocket of wood that’s holding the goo inside.

The goo inside? How can you go wrong with cinnamon? That’s the only part that’s okay. The apple part? I’m not really sure how to describe it but it’s a bit like a very small amount of applesauce with cinnamon. This isn’t bad but encased in a deteriorating container of faux pastry detracts.

Summary: save your money. You can make something rather delicious with coconut oil and almond meal and a bit of honey. Although it may not look like a toaster pastry, these don’t either. The product is not accurately depicted on the box.

Get thee behind me Satan and don't push

Get thee behind me Satan and don’t push

With the negative reviews on some of Glutino’s products, I thought it’s only fair to drop in a word for my absolute favourite product:

Rosemary and Olive Oil Snack Crackers.

OMG. They are too salty and too delicious. They remind me of Wheat Thins before I got my diagnosis.

Hang on…

Dear Celiacs and others who’ve spent years avoiding all gluten: they taste like WHEAT THINS!!!!

Dear People Mucking About with Gluten Free When They Feel Like It or Mistakenly Believe GF Means ‘Healthy’: they’re salty, savoury and crunchy. They’re thick for a crunchy thing and will hold up to whatever you put on them but seriously, I don’t think you’ll put anything on them. They come pre-dressed. They don’t taste like Wheat Thins, though. -that’s only for us losers who don’t have a choice and don’t recall what things taste like — I have to defer to other peoples’ opinions when I say, ‘see! It’s like X!’ and they say, ‘erm, no it’s not.’

It’s 4 servings to a box, if you read the box. I’m lucky if I can make it two. It’s one of those things that I cannot stop eating til my hand is reaching for more, yet none can be found. Thank you, Glutino for the FREAKING AWESOME JUNK FOOD. -rosemary olive oil crisps, you can stuff the toaster pastries. See what I did there? Stuff? Toaster pastry stuffed with fruit filling?

* I call these crisps out of habit. They’re more like a thick crisp-ish thing.

review, WARNING Beetnik Foods


“Bootin’ The Gluten” Gluten-Free Tasting Menu

In short: RUN AWAY!

Amazon Local offered a deal for Beetnik Foods: a GLUTEN FREE PACKAGE.

I’m Celiac, it’s hard to get gluten free foods that you didn’t buy and prepare yourself. This is something any Celiac would leap at: grass-fed meats and guaranteed gluten free prepared foods? Heck yeah!

Methinks not.

Methinks not.

Upon reading the packages warning that they were produced on lines that also contain WHEAT, I contacted Beetnik. I’m accustomed to people not understanding that gluten is a protein found in wheat and some other grains. I’m used to people not understanding cross-contamination. I’m NOT playing at some celebrity diet. I was born without the ability to digest this and it makes me very, very sick. I don’t get IBS. I have systemic responses that will lay me out for several days.

In my letter, I explained that I believed this was an educational issue. I wanted them to recognise the mistake, educate their workers on cross-contamination and I’d like gluten free replacements for the ones that were marketed as a GLUTEN FREE PACKAGE but was made on contaminated lines.

My desire was saving others from ordering expensive food they cannot possibly eat for their safety (and in hopes that Beetnik would correct this issue!).

Their response was that I should’ve read their site before ordering.

‘We go into detail here:

We also state very clearly that we do not recommend our food to those with Celiac Disease.’

Here’s the page I ordered from.

If they were conscientious, a warning would’ve been included THERE. If not there, then on their own site’s page detailing the package, at least. In other words, if it’s not a mistake, it’s false advertising.

Let’s put it another way: if you’re marketing something as ‘PEANUT FREE PACKAGE’ — you can imagine, those with peanut allergies are going to get excited. So, they read the ad up and down, then they go to your site’s page and read it up and down.

Then buy.

When individual items in the package say, ‘processed on lines that also handle peanuts,’ can you imagine them feeling like this was dangerous? They may contact you and ask that you make sure your workers no longer include items that have been cross-contaminated.

Company response: The buyer should’ve known that PEANUT FREE PACKAGE wasn’t intended for them. If they’d dug enough through web pages for long enough, they’d have found that. Bad Consumer.

No, Beetnik, YOUR bad.

review, ‘healthy’ snack bars

What a drag! I’m trying to find some ideas for the trip that don’t require refrigeration and can easily be portable, too.

I stupidly bought ThinkThin bars (one of each that Trader Joe had on offer) without reading the package. WHY AM I THAT DUMB?

For one, cos everybody in the WORLD has told me to try ThinkThin bars. They’re gluten free and I guess that’s why people suggest them.

Number one ingredient? WHEY. I can’t do dairy. I took one bite and immediately my tongue and throat started itching. Fifteen minutes later, they’re still itching and I’m having a hard time swallowing the phlegm it’s causing. NOOOO to ThinkThin bars!

Now, I’m stuck with 5 more EXPENSIVE pieces of allergic crap. I gave them away because I’d rather not go into anaphylaxis.

I bought 3 boxes of Larabars, too. STUPID. Gluten free and dairy free, how could I go wrong?

They’re disgusting. OMG. People who like them? Yeah. Put a nipple on a bottle of maple syrup or honey, you’ll love it. The 3 flavours are like eating squishy, sugary gelle (see nutrition data, bottom). Seriously, people? ::shudders::

Since they’re only disgusting and not allergens, I’ll eat them but I won’t like it.

My fruit and nut bars

My fruit and nut bars

I suggest my knock-off recipe that is FANTASTIC. Well, unless you love Larabars.

Then you’d better add a cup of Karo to the mix. When I said, ‘knock off,’ I meant after hearing people talk about Larabars, I picked up several at the store and read the ingredients, pretty much fruit and nuts. Bam! Made my own. They’re obviously not as sweet.

I’d make my own recipe but it must be refrigerated. Being that fresh, that natural means it spoils/starts growing things.

I take raw almonds with me wherever I go but that gets old.

kind barsThe Kind bars that I tried are okay but more like a candybar than something substantive that can be used when I’m hungry and will not be able to find proper food for several hours.

mrs. maysMrs. May’s Trio bars contain pistachios, which are the only nut that I know of which I cannot digest.

A lot of Celiacs, particularly long-misdiagnosed ones, have trouble eating other foods due to prolonged damage to our guts. I’m extremely lucky that most nuts don’t bother me! Bummer. Mrs. Mays are delicious (although also very sweet but more in the Kind realm, not Larabar realm).

An addendum, I’ve only used Mrs. May’s Trio bars. They have many other things on offer, including Sesame-based items. I just haven’t had the extra cash to try them — I bet they’re nice if I can tolerate that much sesame (never tested).

The other thing about all of these bars: even found at deep discount, they’re dead-expensive.

EDIT: my online buddy Carla couldn’t comment here due to work firewall, so I’m pasting what she said cos it may help YOU!

I like the “peanut butter cookie” Larabar, but don’t care for their other flavors at all. [It should be noted that I love sweets/desserts.] That said, I don’t buy them anymore. I’ve been really cutting down the carbs, and they’re full of sugar. KIND bars are pretty good, but again, full of sugar. I’ve not tried the others you’ve mentioned. The Think Thin bars I considered buying once but I noticed they have soy and sugar alcohols, so I’m not touching them.